One of my favorite places in the world is an amusement park in PA called Kennywood, and my favorite coaster is the Phantom's Revenge. One of the key parts of this ride, to me, is that first hill. That's where you start the ride, slowly, slowly ascending the first incline before dropping in a sharp banking right turn down. That's where I would like to be right now. Instead I'm experiencing the same effect but without the fun. We are in "D week". This is the week the Hubby was supposed to deploy. All week we've been slowly creeping toward the big day. That is until today. Today, the big day got pushed back a couple days. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have him home an extra few days. But there's another side to it. I had accepted the first date as when it would happen. I was ready. I had my head around it. I would drop him off, not staying around to wait for his bus, just drop him off and come home. Rip the bandaid off so to speak. This is what works for us. Finding out it's now going to be a different day, is like slowly starting to peel that bandaid off the soft skin of your inner arm. You know it's going to hurt like a bitch by the time it's over, and just want to get it over with. It's like my roller coaster car was ALMOST to the top of that big hill, and stopped, and reversed back to halfway up.

I know it's hard to understand for those that don't live it. Hell it's hard for ME to understand sometimes, but there it is. We're in a holding pattern. Meanwhile, I have my list of goals ready. I have my boxes ordered, 50 of them, so once I'm down to the last box, I know it's almost over.

Goals you say?

• get in shape. No not just lose a few pounds, though I could afford to, You'd be shocked if I told you how much I could lose before hitting my normal weight again. But get in real shape. I plan to be able to complete an 8 mile hike up Mt Si by this time next summer.


• Cook/Eat better on a regular basis. No drastic changes really. More water, more fresh ingredients, more whole grains. Less eating out.


• Be a better housekeeper...lol we'll see

For now, I'll just continue the climb to the top, enjoy the time I have left with Hubby Man, and get my house in order for my one week of permitted wallowing after he goes. That's right, I PLAN to Wallow. I give myself a week, make sure the house is clean beforehand, and then I can suck it up and drive on. Hooah.

Originally published at A Touch Of Tude.

It has been such a nice two weeks. Hubby's unit, after yet ANOTHER change by the "Big Army", ended up giving them a suprise block of leave. So if soldiers had leave time left in the year, they were allowed to use it. This was great, since he has had almost an overabundance of allowed leave time since he deployed last. It would have all gone to waste really. So he jumped at it. We spent the majority of it staying up late, sleeping in, and loafing around the house. The girls started summer vacation at the same time, and I felt it was only fair to let THEM also cut loose and relax as well, rather than fill the entire two weeks with plans.

I know alot of families in our position (pending deployment) make a point of going out and "making memories". And that's great. But we've been married for 16 years. We HAVE memories. Tons of them. The priority for me right now is seeing him relaxed before he heads "over there". No stress, no schedules. Just down time. And that's what we had until the holiday weekend. That's when we got off our asses and got out.

Saturday was Freedom Fest. A fairly large Fourth of July celebration on post. We spent the whole day there, took in a reptile demo, a concert given by Broken Trail (these guys were really good, definitely would see them again), ate the yummy carnival food, and got myself seriously sunburnt. Apparently sunblock quits working after it sits for a year. Who knew? If you're reading this from LJ, go HERE to see pics, since wordpress code won't translate to LJ.

You've heard of people accidently sitting on anthills? Well if you do that in Washington, you'd have to be blind. Seriously. This, is an anthill here.



Mind you this is a smaller one. I've seen them up to 2-3 feet high. Absolutely amazing. What you can't see is that this hill is glistening with all the moving ants. So I took a crop from it to show how many ants are in just one small section.



That's...alot of friggin ants. All I can say...is thank God the spiders aren't as populated.

I don't have any rambling to do today, but I did promise pictures from the Ball. So...here they are, along with a shot I grabbed at the firing range as hubby and I drove around the back roads last weekend.

I'd like to think, having experienced a deployment already, that I'm past this. I'd REALLY like to think that, especially since the last one had the unique experience of getting an extra few months tacked on at the very last minute. But I'm not. I am SO not. I might be, if Mister Murphy and his Laws would take a friggin hike already. God, that guy gets in the way of everything.

Predeployment is the stage where we get things done that we really don't want to think about, let alone prepare for. We have ONE thing left to do before we can say we are totally prepared. Yes, it's one of those things we don't WANT to need done, or even think about. Hubby needs a will drawn up. It sounded easy enough. Make an appointment at Legal, get 'er done! HA! So wrong. He tried that, they told him he needed to go to his S1 and get it done through SRP (Sustainable Range Program, basically get your shit in order). So he does that, they give him the makeup date to grab what he missed. That was today. They tell him he has to make an appointment through s1. GAH!

I am already on pins and needles, losing my mind over stupid little things. And I do mean stupid. That's how I work. I get all wound up and start flailing over little incidental crap. But that's ok, because when the day he leaves arrives...I can be counted on to not be a puddle of goo hiding under my bed in the fetal position with my blankie. THAT part I can deal with, and I know it. He knows it.

The problem is Predeployment is the "what if" period. What if my oldest misses the bus home from school and I have to go out and drive on I5?? That highway scares the living shit out of me as a passenger, driving it? I have so far managed to avoid it. What if something happens to me and I don't know anyone to take care of my kids til my Mom can get here?? Seriously...I know noone on this post. Not a soul. Add those two what if's into a single situation and I'm likely to have a mild panic attack right now. Meanwhile Miss "Been there done that" is whispering in my ear that this is all within my control. I wish she'd shut up, I already know that...Just let me flail for a while ok?!

Pre-deployment is almost scarier (to me) than the actual deployment. All my been there done that attitude doesn't help. Why would it? You see I'm two totally different people. When Hubby is home, I can be dependent and needy. I can and I do. I forget that that Miss Been There Done That soldiered through 12 months of deployment, and then another 3 and a half at the end. She ceases to exist, and I flop back into my comfy zone. I forget that behind all of Miss "Been there done that's" bravado, I really HAVE been there, and I really DID do it. And dammit, I totally kicked ass! But right now?? Right now, it's a roller coaster.

A roller coaster I'd rather not be on, but I'm securely strapped in, holding on to the bar, and ready to scream at the top of my lungs through the loops and hills. Knowing that when this ride ends, a stronger woman will get off that roller coaster. And step right on to the bigger, faster, more intimidating Deploymentmobile. And by God this time, I am getting the damned tshirt!

The sun is shining, it's a four day weekend for us, even though hubby is currently out dealing with a slight domestic situation with one of his soldiers. it's Memorial Day weekend. where we stop, and remember those who have gone before and paved the way, making the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

Most we don't know, some...we did. Take a moment this weekend to say thank you, and to say a prayer for those families that also made the sacrifice, and for those in the future, who follow in the footsteps of those who have gone before.

And take a moment to smile, and celebrate the character, courage, and devotion of our men and women in uniform.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates on Thursday praised an Army soldier in eastern Afghanistan who drew media attention this month after rushing to defend his post from attack while wearing pink boxer shorts and flip-flops.

In fact, Gates said he wants to meet the soldier and shake his hand the next time he visits Afghanistan.

"Any soldier who goes into battle against the Taliban in pink boxers and flip-flops has a special kind of courage," Gates said in remarks prepared for a speech in New York.

"I can only wonder about the impact on the Taliban. Just imagine seeing that: a guy in pink boxers and flip-flops has you in his cross-hairs. What an incredible innovation in psychological warfare," he said.

Army Specialist Zachary Boyd, 19, of Fort Worth, Texas, rushed from his sleeping quarters on May 11 to join fellow platoon members at a base in Afghanistan's Kunar Province after the unit came under fire from Taliban positions.

A news photographer was on hand to record the image of Boyd standing at a makeshift rampart in helmet, body armor, red T-shirt and boxers emblazoned with the message: "I love NY."

When the image wound up on the front page of the New York Times, Boyd told his parents he might lose his job if President Barack Obama saw him out of uniform.

"I can assure you that Specialist Boyd's job is very safe indeed," Gates said in the speech.

The U.S. defense chief was scheduled to deliver the speech at New York's annual Salute to Freedom dinner in Manhattan. (Source)

I don't read much. I used to. I used to devour books like a starving woman devours cupcakes. Mmm cupcakes. I buy books, I own books, but somehow never get around to reading them. But Every time I walk into the PX I keep seeing this book. And every time I see it I think "I'll grab that on my way out" and kept forgetting it. I clearly suck as an impulse shopper. This kept happening until this Friday.

The Hunny and I ran to the PX to grab a few last minute items for the battalion ball the next day. You know, razor blades, a white shirt and bow tie for him, windex for his shiney black shoes, and pantyhose. From here on those pantyhose will be foerver known as the pantyhose of doom. You see I worked retail for quite a few years before he enlisted in the Army in 2001. I knew that going to the ball, would be much like a day on the sales floor at The Bon Ton was in those days. Much standing around before the dinner, because you do not enter the dining area until AFTER the receiving line. Oh yeah, did I mention that in seven years of this life, I've never done a receiving line?? EVER?? We were in Ft Wainwright, Alaska for the last 2 balls we attended, and with "Fairbanks Formal*" it was pretty much not a receiving line. It was more a social hanging out around the lounge. And I knew everyone, because I was involved with the FRG, and even helped plan the last one. Where was I?

Oh the pantyhose of doom. Right. So, knowing I'd be on my feet for prolonged periods, I got the ones I'd always worn at work. "Smooth Illusion". Mind you, these are great hose. They're made to avoid runs, because the bands run horizontally rather than vertically. You can snag them, even put holes in them, but runs? fugettaboutit. They are also very, very, tight. This is to support your muscles and prevent fatigue., energizing even. What they don't tell you, is you practically need a crowbar to get them on! I didn't have a crowbar. Right leg went ok, but left one, not so much. I somehow managed to pull every muscle in my left foot, by putting on my pantyhose. What's this got to do with a book??

Well, that book I picked up on Friday, and started reading Sunday, was being signed by it's Author on Monday. Today. Hubby had already told me there was no way he'd be home by 4:30, and we live within walking distance of the PX. I figured I'd just hike my happy ass over there. I was halfway through the book, and loving it. What book?

That book. I finished it tonight. It was an amazing read. I related so easily to finding ones self suddenly immersed in Army Life, wondering (and God knows I STILL wonder) how to fit in among other wives, dealing with deployments, gossip, snarking, backstabbing, and dear GOD that dreaded "Suck it up and drive on!" phrase that gets thrown in your face mostly when you don't need to hear it! I especially related to wanting to ask Donald Rumsfeld a few point blank questions of the "WTF were you thinking" variety but restrained myself. Though in my defense he did volunteer to take those questions when he visited Alaska right after that surprise 4 month extension to our brigade's deployment in 05.

It's been a really long time since I read a book from cover to cover in a 24 hour period. But I seriously could not put it down. I burst out laughing so often, especially when the topic of "Stepford Wives" came up...after my own experience with the title, and my never published retaliatory letter to the editor. I teared up when the writing turned to struggles with his PTSD (something hubby has been blessed thus far in not having) and hers, and cried tears of joy when they got through what had to be the hardest things as a couple to deal with. And I swear I had tears of joy when I read the words "Post Traumatic Spouse Disorder" because it so clearly defined everything I've felt since that first deployment (I believe the official term is secondary trauma, but I like that one better). There's just not enough I can say, you have to read it. It should be right up there with the Army Wife Handbook!

What's this got to do with my pantyhose you ask? Well my damned foot was still sore today, too sore to walk to the PX, and oh my god the cramping! So my youngest daughter hopped on her...wait, my bike, and got it signed for me. And apparently shared why...lol there was a little "Ps: feel better:)" with the autograph. So thank you to my darling daughter, who has now redeemed herself, and thanks To Lily Burana, for the note, and for writing such a great book.

I've been left inspired. Determined to find my "hooah" (It's probably buried under all his camo), get myself back involved with things like I was in Alaska. I've already looked back into being an AFES caseworker with the Red Cross here. I intend to get back involved with the FRG, or at least try. I even made the bold step, to not hide the tattoo I've been so very proud of, because it might look strange with a formal dress, in fact, I let it hang out at the ball! Hey hey, minds out of the gutter it's on my ARM. I might even get another droplet added for this deployment! If I find friends here, it will be because of who I am, not who they think I am, or who I think I need to be. I have a place here. Somewhere. I just have to find it.

*Fairbanks formal was a dress code all in it's own. Anything formal would usually include people in everything from Mini skirts to Frilly gowns. Things were a bit more relaxed up there. Heck one guy even brought two paid escorts to a ball!

*I actually posted this on my WoW blog, but ya know what? It belongs on my real blog too. So Sayeth me.*

If you look back in the category this entry is posted in, you'll find a time or two where I struggled to balance my love of the game with Real Life. And I came up with what I thought were viable solutions. And they might have been, had I not realized a few things.

Now, it's only fair to mention my recent rethinking of these ideas came about when my 14 year old recently developed an attitude about me playing at all. This started when I decided it was okfor me to raid twice a week, and let the family either fend for themselves, or order pizza. I was rewarded with an eyeroll from the 14 year old. To which I quite logically replied with a very good point. She gets 2 days per week off from school. Hubby gets two days per week (usually) off from Uncle Sam. Why should Mommy NOT get 2 days a week off?

A few days later, I was running a quick heroic. And by quick I mean 20-30 minutes tops with some guildies. The phone rang, I told this same daughter to answer it, it was my mom, and I'd call her back in an hour. My Mom understands, it's no big deal. So she does that, and then proceeds to start chattering about something she had to do on the upcoming Friday. Nothing emergent, nothing that couldn't wait 20 minutes. So I nicely said wait until I take my headphones off. She had a fit. I ALMOST felt guilty. But then I realized something. I wasn't asking for much. I wasn't neglecting her. She was using very bad manners. The "no talking to me when wearing headphones" should be no different than our already existing rule. No talking while I'm on the phone, or conversing with another adult. It's called respect. A concept my kids understand most of the time, but struggle with on occasion. This was one of those occasions.

My having headphones on when she wants to tell me something that can wait 20 minutes, is no worse than her listening to her ipod so loud she doesn't hear us asking her to go do her chores. I confronted her with the fact that we do not push ourselves into HER activities with her friends, or her conversations, or anything of the sort. She hates when I'm right, but she admitted it. I would like to pint out however, that 98% of the time I'm playing and they are home, I AM completely available. The "headphones" on times are few. Everyone has their hobbies. And when prioritized correctly, there shouldn't be guilt associated with them. Why then in the past was I finding myself feeling it? Because I WAS falling behind on other things. I had no routine. Having that, has brought me way more enjoyment of my hobby and my home. Here's my typical day (times are subject to change).

1. 9:00am Wake up, have coffee!! Coffee is a must.

2. 9:05am While coffee is brewing, or first cup is cooling off, straighten up the kitchen, start the dishwasher, dust and vaccuum. 5 minutes usually. Small house!

3. 9:10am Sit down, read emails, check twitter, live journal, my RSS reader, and pop on WoW to do my fishing daily.

4. 9:30am Get another cup of coffee. 5. 9:30- 10ish am Blog 6. 11:00am Take the dogs out/clean yard

7. Noon: Log in, relaxed, and play WoW knowing I'm done for a few hours.

8. around 2:30 the first kid comes home, go AFK from WoW, check on homework, listen to hyperspeed tales from school, get ignored for boyfriend texting her, and then watch her run off to hang out with him.

9. Youngest comes in an hour later. Check on homework, listen to bus drama, watch her go play outside.

10. Turn back to WoW, clean out bags, find an inn, repair gear, log out.

11. 4:00pm Start dinner.

12. 5:00-6:00pm Eat dinner, and clean up afterwards. See hubby fall asleep on the couch, Poor guy. Oldest goes back to her boyfriend, youngest settles in at her computer or back to her friends.Then I log back in for the evening.

Thursday fend for yoursef night seems to work for hubby quite well. It's usually by this day that working 16 hour days has caught up to him, and shortly after dinner you hear snoring from the couch. What you don't hear is me trying to keep him awake, because I'm in game. He gets a nice long nap, I get to raid, kids are off doing their thing. This works.

My whole point here, is to say don't let yourself be guilted by your game time if you have everything else in order. I don't know why it seems WoW players bear the brunt of this more than any other hobby. Maybe because of the negative connotations it receives by those outside the game. The too many to count stories of neglect, or addiction. Or the general "Loser" theory that non-players tend to have. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't rethink things when you legitimately feel you spend TOO much time in game, or it is having serious effects on your home relationships. God knows I've rethought things a few times. But I've come to realize what I am entitled to, what I have earned.

I am NOT "just" a stay at home mom. I am not just "mommy". I am a woman with a hobby I enjoy, a woman who has her shit together. A woman that does several jobs wrapped up in one title, and deserves some time each day to enjoy herself, and I damned well deserve my 2 days off. Where others might use their time for crafts, or sports, or woodcarving(?) I use mine for a MMORPG. And ya know what? That is OK!

She got me! Bre that is, has tagged me for a meme. So...here we go.

1 - Go to wikipedia. Hit random Read More
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random quotations
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on explore the last seven days
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Here's my result!

(Photo Credit)

Now, onto the business end...

And I'll be tagging:

Tiffi!
Anna!
Ratters!

Not easy at all. Which I'll admit, surprises me. When I finally had the oppurtunity to be a stay at home wife and mom, after ten years of working, I was thrilled. It's all I ever wanted to do. Don't get me wrong, I had a few jobs I really enjoyed. I just couldn't keep up with working, keeping a house together and cooking all at the same time. I felt like a failure pretty often actually. For those women that can do it, I applaud you. It's just not me. I need to focus on ONE thing, it's just the way I'm wired.

When the Man enlisted in the army, that brought with it my chance to not work anymore. My chance to be June Cleaver! She made it look so easy didn't she? Yeah, well it was all lies. First off, a husband and kids leave stuff EVERYWHERE. If said husband is a soldier, your home quickly gets randomly decorated with camo and combat boots and a bunch of stuff you can't find anywhere to put! But that's not the real point here. So let me find it. There are certain advantages to working vs staying at home.

1. You have a boss.

Noone tells me what to do, when to do it or when I need to have it done by. Now, on one hand that is awesome. But I'm not a great motivator. In fact, I lean towards lazy procrastinator 90% of the time. Which means when I don't feel like cleaning x part of the house. I probably won't. And noone is here to kick my ass for it. Except me.

2. No year end reviews.

Noone is going to take me aside and show me where I'm excelling, and where I could use some extra work on something. I'm responsible for recognizing my own success and shortcomings, and dealing with them appropriately. Again with the self discipline.

3. The Social Aspect

I work alone. I don't have the coworkers to chat with to make the day go by faster. I don't have anything even remotely resembling socializing going on here unless you count talking to the dogs. And this is where I go off on a tangent.

I live on an army post. There are always fuctions out there to meet and greet other spouses. Alot of them, like me, stay at home moms. You'd think we'd have things in common right? Not so much. What I usually run into are either wives that are 15 years younger than me, with very young children, who are way closer to June Cleaver than I'll ever be. They bake, and craft, and have playgroups, etc. Or I meet wives 15 years younger than me that have no kids yet but are into the party scene.

My hobbies just get me blank stares and fake smiles most of the time. I play WoW, I enjoy photography. I blog. I would love to be able to actually have an enjoyable conversation with another spouse about those things but...have yet to meet one. I'm not saying it's a requirement. Lord knows my closest friends in AK I could talk about everything under the sun. But the difference is they didn't look at me like I was a freak because I wasn't crafty, and green, and girly, even with my missing June Cleaver gene. We were all experiencing the same thing together, and accepted each other for what we were.

There's not much of that here. If I would go out and get a job, sure I'd probably meet new people, even ones I have things in common with. Because while work is work, it's also a social setting. As a stay at home mom, it's MY responsibility to seek people out, and form relationships. That isn't easy. Not easy at all. However I'd be right back to where I started, good at one job, slacking at home. Which might be ok for me, but not so much for the family.

So June Cleaver lied. She made it look too easy. With this deployment coming up, it's kind of scary not having my old support system here. Maybe I'll find one, maybe I won't. But I'll always have my blog. And the dogs are pretty good listeners.